


Assorted Mass Effect 3 meme fics

by Ishmael



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Comment Fic, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Headbutting, Humor, Interspecies, Mass Effect 3, Mass Effect Kink Meme, My krogan bias is showing, Renegade Commander Shepard, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 22:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ishmael/pseuds/Ishmael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1: FShep and Garrus go on a second date. On Tuchanka. Everybody butts in. “Wrex didn’t make me an honorary krogan for nothing.”<br/>2: Garrus/FShep culture clash. “Don’t hold back. I’m not about to get hurt feelings over a little interspecies awkwardness.”<br/>3: Zaeed bakes a cake. Gardner does not approve.<br/>4: FShep's renegade interrupts turn into headbutts. Violence is always the answer.<br/>5: Garrus/FShep post-ending fix-it.  "Garrus, we get to be scar buddies.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friendly Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted [here](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/3710.html?thread=8364158#t8364158).

Garrus spends a long time staring, like it’ll change what he sees. “Shepard, what is this?”

She grins. “A date.” 

“On _Tuchanka_.”

“Wrex didn’t make me an honorary krogan for nothing,” she laughs. “He helped me arrange it.”

“Somehow I’m not surprised.” He takes another look around the area. They’re standing on a ledge (of rubble) looking over a small valley (also made of rubble) that bottlenecks near where they’re standing and at the other end of the valley. The left side has several formerly square openings on a stone slab, obviously the remains of a building. There’s movement, familiar shapes lurking in the shadows. “Is that a—“

“Klixen nest? Yes.” Her smile looks like it’s about to split her face.

He shifts, glancing at her, the klixen, and back. “You know I was joking about that, right?”

Shepard hefts her rifle onto her shoulder. “What’s wrong, Vakarian? Afraid you’ll lose again?”

“Dream on.” Mandibles flaring, his voice deepens as he pulls out his sniper rifle. “Tell me the rules.”

“Nothing too fancy. Kill as many pyjaks as possible without getting mauled by klixen. No special shots at the pyjaks. Killing klixen doesn’t count for anything. We go until we run out of targets or we run out of ammo—whichever comes first.”

“Pyjaks? They’d never get so close to a predator.”

“That’s where Grunt comes in. He’s spooking a colony of them this way.”

“I’m sure he’s having fun.” Garrus frowns. “Who’s the judge? It’ll be hard to keep track once klixen start exploding.”

 _That’s where EDI and I come in_ , Tali’s voice chimes from their omnitools. He sees movement out of the corner of his eye—EDI and Tali are waving. They’re high in the remains of a tall structure, safe from attack. _We’ve modified your guns so they give off trace amounts of radiation. We’ll release drones and use them to monitor your kills._

This was no whim. This took planning, coordination. “Shepard, you are—”

She grins. “Awesome?”

He chuckles. “I was thinking more along the lines of ‘unbelievable,’ but that works.”

_Although Jeff has placed a bet on the Commander, I will be sure to keep a fair tally, EDI assures. I am recording the proceedings._

“No pressure, huh?” Garrus leans so close she can feel his breath on the shell of her ear. “I’m going to win this, Shepard.”

Her lips are almost brushing his face as she speaks. “We’ll see about that.”

 _EDI did mention you have an audience, right?_ Joker interrupts. Other voices clamor in the background—Traynor, Liara and Vega are easily recognizable.

Garrus jerks back a bit too quickly, looking as close to embarrassed as she’s ever seen him. (Still no blushing. Damn.)

She hadn’t anticipated so many interruptions. “Joker, is the entire damn crew watching this?”

_Hell yeah, Commander. Well, maybe not Prothy the Poutyface. He’s probably too busy being a self-important dick._

_Are all your primitive courtship rituals like this?_ Javik’s voice interjects, dry as bones.

Shepard snickers at the faint sounds of Joker sputtering. “No, Javik. Can’t say they are.”

 _ENOUGH!_ Wrex cuts in. _Grunt is almost there. Time for the fun to start._

“You heard him, people. No more chatter. At least not where we can hear it.”

“Afraid you’ll get distracted, Shepard?” Garrus taunts as he adjusts his rifle.

She whips her gun out and fires a shot at a purple blur just cresting the rise. There’s faint shriek and a squelch. “Scratch one!”

“Oh, you’re going _down_.” He sprints off to the side for a better position, showing off his turian agility as he clambers up a pile of debris.

Pyjaks come pouring over the hill into the narrow entrance to the valley—Grunt must have really terrified them. The klixen were already on the move at the sound of the gunshot, but the influx of pyjak turns them into a frenzied mass pouring out of the caves.

At first there’s nothing but screeching and shot after shot, the confusion making it easy to pick off the pyjak without drawing any attention. Shepard doesn’t give Garrus any thought, knowing the initial rush is the best time to rack up kills. Aim-fire-reload, a steady monotony as the count rises in the corner of her visor. But the easy targets don’t last as the pyjaks scatter in fear and the klixen decimate their numbers. The survivors are getting closer and closer to their position. She can almost hear the whine of the drones.

She sights another pyjak only to see it reduced to a smear as soon as she has the shot lined up.

“Let me get that for you,” Garrus taunts, oozing smugness.

“Oh, so that’s how you’re gonna play it?” They’re close enough she doesn’t even bother looking through the scope, relying on the accuracy of the rifle to do most of the work. It gives her enough edge on speed to kill three before he can get them first. “And stay down!”

Garrus is picking pyjaks off pretty as you please, like he doesn’t see the hungry klixen closing in. “Sorry, Shepard. It takes more than catchphrases to make it as the best.”

The remaining pyjaks are almost on them. Shepard scrambles up onto a rock, taking quick aim at the lead klixen. It topples over when she shoots out its leg, forcing the other klixen to scramble over it. “The best? Last I checked I was the winner of our little contest.”

He bags two more pyjak. There’s only a dozen or so left. “I held against three merc groups on Omega, Shepard. By myself. For a _day_.”

Shepard fires a concussive shot, sending several klixen toppling off a ledge. “And you weren’t gonna last much longer, if I hadn’t shown up.”

The pyjak aren’t holding the klixen’s attention anymore. Garrus hops down from his perch, ready to move. “I would’ve figured something out.”

Shepard fires a few more careless shots at the klixen, ducking behind some convenient chest-high debris. Garrus gets a few more shots, but she can’t see what he hit. She punches a pyjak that tries to scrabble past, takes another clumsy close-range shot at a klixen. Perhaps only bringing sniper rifles was a bad idea.

 _Melee attacks don’t count_ , EDI reminds her.

“I know!” Shepard hollers as she retreats, firing at the pyjak she just incapacitated. Two klixen are bearing down on her. She stows her gun and whips out her melee blade—it’ll be more effective at this range. 

Garrus slides in a new clip somewhere behind her. “Got your back, Shepard.”

She can’t help but smile at that. The klixen screech, staggering with the impact of his well-aimed shots.

It isn’t very effective with all the armor they’ve got, but it feels _good_ to stab the damn things. After two solid hits she dives for the nearest cover.

Another few seconds and the klixen explode, raining down in a foul-smelling mess. Just her luck, the rock doesn’t completely protect her from it. Her shields prevent the damage, but not the harmless... _gunk_. She remembers seeing a stream on the map; probably worth a trip so Cortez didn’t flip his shit about stinking up his shuttle.

“All clear,” Garrus calls.

There’s the sound of a droid zapping something. _Only thing left moving down there is you two_ , Tali confirms.

Shepard flops onto her back, laughing. She’s sweaty and filthy and her ears ring from constant gunfire. “Best. Date. _Ever_.”

Garrus looks at her with an expression she can’t quite read. It’s fond, whatever it is. “You certainly know the way to a sniper’s heart, Shepard.”

Her heart does something embarrassingly close to fluttering, but her voice is steady. “Headshots?”

“Yeah.” His voice is liquid enough to let her know he’s partly serious.

 _Cut to the chase, who won_? Wrex butts in. Shepard smiles at the memory of approaching Wrex in the first place. Despite all his grumbling, he’d seemed genuinely happy to help, and more than a bit envious of what she’d had in mind. She’ll have to do something similar with him later as a thank-you. Maybe a thresher maw or two.

 _Tali and I are comparing results._ EDI informs them.

Everyone holds their collective breath.

 _It’s_ — Tali laughs. _It’s a tie!_

A chorus of groans bursts out of the omnitool, eerily reminiscent of husks.

 _Oh, come on!_ Joker gripes.

As much as she’d hoped to win, a tie is hardly disappointing. “Sorry to ruin your bet, Joker. But at least you’re in the same boat as everyone else.”

_On the contrary, Commander. I placed a wager that it would end in a tie._

Shepard can’t help but sound incredulous. “Javik, _you_ bet? You said that was a capital offence back in your time!”

 _I was trying to understand why primitives play games of chance._ There’s a long pause. _After such a sound victory, I begin to see the appeal._

 _Yeah yeah, rub it in some more why don’t you,_ Vega grumbles.

She tunes out the next round of banter, focusing on Garrus. He hasn’t stopped looking at her. “Well! That was fun.” She must have a ridiculous grin on her face. She doesn’t care. “Did you enjoy our date?

Garrus chuckles, extends a hand to help her up. She takes it, letting him pull her close and slip his hands around her waist. He leans close, voice almost a purr. “It isn’t over yet.”

“I _do_ need to get out of this armor.”

 

EPILOGUE

_Uhhh EDI, I think you need to stop recording now._

_Jeff, I do not understand why you seem distressed. This is similar to videos in your private collection._

_Too much information!_

_I-uuuh-I—_

_That was a joke._

_Right. Right, a joke._ Hilarious. _Ha ha._

_I need a drink. Or five. Tell me we have more turian brandy._

_I think we do, Sparks. But we’re fresh out of emergency induction ports._

_I’m never living that down, am I?_

_Not a chance. I added it to your dossier._

_Liara, when did_ you _get to be so evil?_

_Hate to break up the chit-chat, but all those dead pyjak and klixen have attracted a thresher maw. Or two._

_You’re_ kidding. 

_Three. One coming up from the south._

_Good eye, kid. Guess “pure krogan” isn’t all talk. Let’s go say hello with some heavy weapons._

_Can’t let you guys have all the fun. Hey Cortez, think you could get the shuttle ready in a hurry?_

_Way ahead of you._

_Heh-heh, now that’s what I like to hear. Anyone else?_

_Seeing Kalros has made me curious. I will join you, krogan._

_Yeah, let’s turn killing gianthuge worm things into a party activity! I’ll bake a cake!_

_What’s cake?_

_I’ll explain later, Grunt. Can we concentrate on Shepard and Garrus not getting eaten?_

_Anyone who’s coming, we leave in 1._

_We should combine forces with Wrex and Grunt to increase the chances of Shepard and Garrus being uninterrupted._

_You’re right, EDI. Keelah, my drones aren’t built for this. The things I do for you people._

_Be sure to save one for me!_

_I don’t think that’s going to be a problem._

_Am I the only sane person on this ship? If this ends with Garrus and Shepard killing a thresher maw wearing only sniper rifles and smiles I am going to hate you all._

_Only if we forget to record it._


	2. Three Little Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted [here](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/4309.html?thread=9561301#t9561301).

Garrus goes still. He’d kept quiet at first, but perhaps, in the comfortable territory of lying together in her bed, he can breach the topic. “Humans, ah, humans seem to say that a lot.”

“Hmm?”

“That—that phrase.”

It takes a moment for it to click. Three little words. “Garrus, I don’t mean to pressure you. I don’t need a xenoanthropology degree to get that turians are less, er, demonstrative than humans. It’s fine.”

He sighs. “It’s not—well, it _is_ that, but. There’s more to it.”

Shepard turns so she can look at him better, “Don’t hold back. I’m not about to get hurt feelings over a little interspecies awkwardness.”

Garrus is silent for a time, obviously trying to sort out the best way to say it. “For us, that phrase is very. Hmm, formal? No, that isn’t quite right. It’s not something people say.”

She can’t keep in the startled burst of laughter. “Really?” 

“Well, you see it in movies, one of those dramatic scenes where somebody is begging their lover to take them back, that kind of thing. Or old couples who have been together for years. But it’s not—it’s very strange, to hear it outside of that. It’s just too _much_.”

Shepard hums in thought, running idle hands over the lines of his plates. “Turians prefer actions to words, huh?”

“Yes. Though sometimes other phrases get used as substitutes, should the ah—need for verbal affirmation arise.”

Shepard is quiet a moment, then she brightens. “You said you needed me.”

Garrus chuckles. “I did. Probably wasn’t the best time for it, but, well. Things never seem to go as I thought they would when you’re involved.” His hand trails down to the curve of her waist.

She props herself up so she can look him in the eye. “I meant when I said I couldn’t do this without you, Garrus.”

“I know. That’s,” he laughs a bit, “That’s probably why I mentioned that story about letting off steam.”

“You thought I was making overtures?”

“I didn’t forget you’re human, Shepard. I knew it meant something different to you. But it did make me comfortable enough to discuss, ah—intimacy. Not that that went where I expected either. Your offer was a nice surprise.” He runs his blunted talons along her hip. “ _Very_ nice.”

Shifting onto his body so she can reach, she kisses him on the cheek and grins. “Still think we’re crazy for doing this?”

“Definitely. But it’s a good kind of crazy.” He pulls her closer, her body soft and strange, but pleasant all the same.

“Thanks for telling me, Garrus.” Shepard yawns, nuzzling the skin under his mandibles—a turian gesture she’d picked up. “But enough feelings. I need sleep. _Somebody_ wore me out.”

He chuckles, shifting to a more comfortable position. “Don’t worry, Shepard. We’ll go back to shooting things soon enough.”

“Damn right we will,” she mutters with a sleepy grin on her face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted [here](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/3710.html?thread=8519294#t8519294).

Zaeed points his gun at the hungry krogan. “I don’t give a fuck if you’ve never had cake before. Nobody comes into my bloody kitchen.”

“You do realize I own this place, right?” Gardner interrupts.

“I’m cooking in it, which fucking makes it my kitchen. Shut up and let me bake in peace.”

Grunt protests, “But—”

Zaeed puts his gun back on the counter and grumbles, “You want to help? Go kill a boar or something. I can’t work with this low quality bullshit!”

Gardner jabs a spoon into Zaeed’s face. “Don’t you go insulting my provisions! I only got the best for Commander Shepard!”

“I can insult whatever I damn well please. Look at those bruised lixthill! Are you too stupid to navigate a market or just trying to insult the tastebuds of every turian guest?”


	4. Violence is Always the Answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted [here](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/3710.html?thread=7949694#t7949694). Headbutting solves everything. Even shitty endings.

Shepard looks at Kaidan, pointing a gun at her. Looks at that traitor, Udina, and is done with negotiating. “HONORARY KROGAN!” she bellows, bullrushing Kaidan. Her scream startles him long enough she can close in and slam her head against his. “HRRAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” He stumbles, falls.

The Asari councilor shrieks, “Commander Shepard, what—“

She spins, Udina now within reach. Grabbing two fistfuls of undoubtedly expensive material, she head-butts the councilor. “MMMMRAAAAAAAH!” His neck snaps back and he tumbles to the ground. 

“Glad to see you could take care of that professionally!” Garrus calls, nudging Kaidan with his rifle.

-

She can feel his presence—bastard isn’t dead yet. Shepard surges out of her chair, smashing her head into Kai Leng’s. She feels his nose and cybernetics crunch under the power of her mighty forehead.

“THAT WAS FOR THANE, YOU SONOFABITCH!”

Garrus laughs as he turns to Javik. “You know, I think I would have done the same thing.”

-

Shepard stares at the Catalyst. “You can’t be serious. That’s it. Fuck this.”

“What?”

It’s tricky because Catalyst is so much shorter than her. Good thing she’s already hunched over from pain. She rams her head, full force, into the weird child thing. “THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF YOUR CHOICES!” Shepard proceeds to stomp on it she would like a clingy husk.

The Catalyst disappears in a flash of light.

“Well. That was satisfying.”


	5. here I am, lost and found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted [here](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/3710.html?thread=7835006#t7835006).

“Garrus, we get to be scar buddies,” Shepard croaks, wiggling her bandaged arms. “But I win. Mine are from a _Reaper_.”

He chuckles, shaking his head. Of _course_ that’d be the first thing she says when she wakes up after nearly dying to save the galaxy. “What about the ones on your face, from the reconstruction?” Even with her mess of new injuries he can still see the web of scars on her cheek.

“Those just make me look awesome,” she wheezes. “Don’t count.”

“It’s good to see you awake, Shepard.” He gingerly takes one of her hands into his. It still feels small and strange, no matter how he knows exactly how much damage they can do, no matter how many times they repeat the gesture. “It was a close call.”

She blinks slowly, obviously forcing herself to gather enough brainpower to form words. “Just following orders. Some turian asshole,” she grunts, unable to keep a wince off her face, “said I wasn’t allowed to die.”

“Shepard, you’re terrible at following orders. This is the first time you’ve been conscious in a week. Dr Chakwas wasn’t sure you would—”

She cuts him off before the doom and gloom of what-ifs can set in. “You already knew that, Garrus. How many times did I hang up on the Council, back in the day?”

Garrus chuckles, but his expression slides into seriousness. “I’m surprised, you know. That you chose what you did.”

“You and Javik were there, hauled my sorry ass to that console to meet that creepy thing. You heard. All of them sucked.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Destroying the mass relays and the Reapers in one fell swoop would’ve been fun.”

“If the resulting explosions didn’t kill everyone off. Or leave all you dextros to starve on Earth.” She squeezes his hand.

“We’d already prepared to have a last stand. You could’ve ignored the choices.”

Shepard sighs. “I know what you’re getting at, Garrus. The Shepard back on Torfan, the Shepard who lost everyone on the Normandy but Chakwas.” She laughs, which turns into coughing. “She’s gone soft. Didn’t want to see all that effort bullying people into getting along go to waste. Now we have time. Enough to prepare properly.”

“With the fate of every sentient life hanging in the balance.”

She waves her free hand—an abrupt, tired gesture. “Details, details. One more battle. Who knows, we could fix the mass relays in time. Make them not hurt the universe or whatever garbage it was. I stopped listening.”

“It’s hard to take a supposedly powerful being seriously when it looks like a small child.”

Shepard laughs, wincing in pain. “Shit, my ribs. Don’t make me remember what Javik said to it now.”

“I wasn’t sure about him at first, but after seeing him tear into the Catalyst like that?” Garrus smiles. “Good call, Shepard.”

She rubs a thumb over his finger joints, “That’s enough about the fate of the galaxy. Blah blah Shepard hauled our collective asses from the fire again. Heard enough of that crap.”

Garrus slides closer so he’s brushing against her uninjured thigh, can feel the faint press through his armor. “Looks like we won’t be getting to retiring someplace warm and tropical just yet.”

“Admit it, Garrus. You’d be bored within a day. Go back to pissing off mercs for fun.”

“I don’t think either of us knows what to do without something to shoot,” he laughs.

Shepard waggles her eyebrows, smile more ridiculous than sultry with bandages on her face. “Oh, I’ve got a few ideas.”

Garrus lets his voice slip into deeper registers, knowing how much she _appreciates_ it. “I’m sure you do,” his free hand touches her cheek. “And we’ll certainly have time to explore them once Dr Chakwas releases you.”

“Between trying to beef up the military of the entire galaxy and assembling a new team of crack scientists to solve something even bigger than the Crucible?”

Garrus leans forward until he can press their foreheads together. “This time, I’m not waiting until the day before the big battle.”

“You better not,” she sighs, blinking until she regains her focus. “Though I expect you to be there, once the time comes around.”

“Ten years? Aren’t we a forward-thinking couple.”

“Told you before. Couldn’t do this without you, Garrus. If I’m kicking Reaper ass I’ve got to do it in style.”

“Well. You’ve certainly came to the right turian.”

She puts on a guise of fake innocence. “Not Lorik Qui’in?”

He glares. “Not funny, Shepard.”

“That face you made says otherwise,” she grunts, eyes sliding around, unable to focus. “Think I’m gonna pass out. Tell Wrex t’ play nice,” she slurs, “Kick his ass. Ev’ryone—”

“They’ll be here when you wake up. If they don’t kill me for monopolizing you this time.”

“Boyfrien’ ‘rogative,” Shepard mumbles, falling asleep with a lopsided smile.

“Yeah,” Garrus murmurs, keeping her hand in his. She can find out who’s left to make “everyone” later.


End file.
